I’ve Discovered Who My Husband Really Is as a Parent. This Feels Very Bad.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I worked in early childhood education before I went on to a different kid-facing job.

So I say with some confidence that my husband and I got lucky with a relatively easy baby/toddler. She’s always been a good sleeper and a good eater, her developmental milestones don’t cause stress, and she’s a happy kid. Parenting is hard but it could be much harder.

But the problem is, my husband is constantly judging his brother’s & SIL’s parenting and his brother’s daughter against ours. He and his brother have always had some low-level rivalry about stupid stuff, and usually I let it go. But this one feels gross to me.

Especially because my niece is just a different kiddo, so of course the parenting she needs is different. They’re stricter about stuff like bedtime than we are, because she’s always had trouble sleeping. Her sleep problems don’t have a moral value.

They have different mealtime routines, because their daughter is working through big toddler feelings and meals are tough. This could easily have been us, and it probably will be with some new problem someday when our toddler is older. If our daughter stopped being easy to feed, would he judge her like this?

If we had to make imperfect (but still safe and loving) choices in parenting to deal with sudden problems, would he judge me? It feels bad. I know this is more about his weird thing with his brother than actually about kids and parenting so I can’t tell if I’m being too sensitive. —It’s Not a Competition Dear Not a Competition, I imagine the parenting judgment part of this will naturally resolve itself when your daughter inevitably becomes more challenging at some point or in some area of her life, or if you have another child who comes out of the womb completely feral and stays that way.

Or, who knows, maybe your daughter will be an angel forever and you won’t have another. In that case, I hope your husband is eventually exposed to other families and has the opportunity to notice when two siblings—or even two twins—raised by the same parents and with all the same rules and routines often have all opposite dispositions and very different needs. I do think he will eventually be humbled or at least develop some awareness of the idea that kids kind of just are who they are and parents have to work with it.

The hardest part of this is obviously the concern that his love for your daughter and trust in your parenting are conditional. I imagine the fear that one day she’ll wake up only eating white foods, fighting sleep with all she has, and acting like she’s being tortured each time you put socks on her looms over you. So plan for it.

Tell your husband that you’ve been lucky so far, but you want to do some research together and decide what parenting philosophy or approach you’ll embrace if things stop being easy. It’s going to feel much better to think about this now than it will while she’s screaming “Noooo!” ” in the background. If he says “We’ll never need that.

She’s always going to be well-behaved because we set a good example,” say “Okay just humor me.” When it comes to your husband’s relationship with his brother, you’re right that a lot of that is out of your control. You should just focus on your part of the dynamic, which means refusing to join him in conveying judgment as your niece’s parents are struggling—or being sticklers for the routines that are essential to their lives—in front of you.

Beyond that (assuming you have extra energy for this as your daughter sits independently practicing phonics and eating vegetables before putting herself to bed), you can help to make sure they have what they need when they’re at your home: Food ready at the designated mealtime, a dark room with blackout curtains and white noise ready at 7:00 pm, or whatever the case may be.

“She’s a great kid” and “You’re a great mom” go a long way too. Hopefully when and if the tables turn, you’ll get it all back. Dear Prudence, I am at my wit’s end with my partner’s inability to keep his apartment clean, but I feel so conflicted about being angry with him.

He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he does pull his weight in our relationship otherwise. He is a loving, caring, and supportive man. For example, he recently packed up my aunt’s whole apartment and helped her move.

He makes me food and goes shopping, he takes me seriously and has worked hard to change things that are important to me—except his level of cleanliness. His place has been dirty and messy for the seven years we’ve been together. I’m talking about dirt on the floor, clothes everywhere, trash staying in places, moldy food in the fridge, not cleaning his appliances, and so on.

We don’t live together, but I absolutely hate being there. We usually communicate really well and have worked so hard at being a good team, and in the beginning, I tried being supportive and helpful and understanding. I’ve tried making and sending him guidelines, tutorials, and offered help, but nothing has changed.

He always feels guilty and awful when we talk, promises he’ll change, but then nothing happens. After all these years of having the same conversation, I cannot talk to him or even think about this without being furious. I’ve told him there is no way I’ll live with him if nothing changes, which is sad, but I could live with.

But now I have to spend time at his place, as my new job is in his city. How can we move forward with this situation as a couple? How can I be less angry?

And what can he do to change? —Absolutely Furious Dear Furious, Seven years is a long time to try and fail to not be a slob. It’s also a really long time to try and fail to force someone to do something that they’re clearly not willing or able to. Whether it’s stubbornness or something to do with the way your partner’s brain works that is outside of his control, the situation is what it is and it’s intolerable to you.

I’m not hopeful that things will improve. You can’t move in with him. Sorry.

Just think about it: If you’re this frustrated while you’re visiting, you would be miserable if you couldn’t escape to your own clean space, with a dirt-free floor. In fact, you should spend much less time over there. Maybe no time at all.

I know there are practical and financial considerations, but unless the only alternative is homelessness, the place you sleep should not make you furious. It’s basically impossible to have a happy relationship under those circumstances. What would you do if he lived at his great aunt’s house and her strict religious beliefs meant he wasn’t to have you over because of the risk of premarital sex?

Do that.